Too early!! ;)
5:51 AM on Tue, Apr 02, 2013:
To the roommate that wakes up early. The rest of us don’t. #realtalk #loud #needmoresleep #shhh
I always keep my Word!
Wow! It has been so long since I have written anything. I woke-up today feeling like I had to get my thoughts done in my blog, and so here I am. I feel like even though to outside eyes my life is kinda crazy and all over the place; I’m finding a great sense of peace in this season of my life. Hard to describe, but I will try. For the longest time I have felt like my life is kinda scattered across the USA. My heart and love are in one place, my family is in another, and I’m in another. Adding to that that my heart has been longing to go a particular school and so there is another location adding to my stress. It’s been a long season, 7 months to be exact. And yet I have learned so much about myself and my weaknesses. I’ve learned that humility is something that I didn’t have much of. I wasn’t aware that growing-up I held to my pride because in some seasons, it’s all I had to make myself feel better.
It hasn’t been easy to be here in KC by any means. So many things happened that I could never have foreseen. Some beyond my control, many were choices that I made. For a long time, I kept looking back and holding on to the regret of a choice that I made halfway through my year and a half here. It brought alot of issues and things that made life alot harder for me even now. But I’ve come to see the lovely traces of my choice. The boundary lines that God had placed for me that I can’t ever run away from. He was in control the entire time and continues to govern my heart and my choices. So, yes, to most people it may look like I’m just kind of flying in the way. But I have never been more stable and more satisfied with my life then I am right now. I’m striving for that thing that inwardly all young adults fear. Adulthood. It comes faster then you think and with more responsibility then we can even understand. But it’s such a joy to strive for and thrive in. It’s a joy to love Him even when we mess up.
He never says, “I told you so!”. He simply takes my hand, helps me out of the hole I fell into, and says, “Let’s try this, ok?” He is such a gentleman! Never forces my will, never leaves me when I give Him the silent treatment. Just stands there and smiles and waits. And waits, and waits. Until I turn around. I remember one day in the Prayer Room recently, I was sitting and just zoning out when, I just felt Him say, “I always keep my word!” I got out my journal and wrote it down, but didn’t get why He would say that. I hadn’t been talking to Him about that at all.
I decided to flip through my journal and read older entries. I smiled at my failings and shortcomings with a gladness that those days were over. I went back to a entry almost a year ago. I wrote
Why do people make promises if they never intend to keep them? It’s so lame. I just want one person who says what they will do, and actually see it through. I know that people are human and will let you down, but lately God, it feels like Your letting me down to. I’m contending for this stuff and see no fruit..
I was struck with the thought that I never did actually get what I had been contending for. But I had an amazing revelation, sitting there in the Prayer Room that day. What so many people in my life had contended for had come to pass. What I use to beg God for in my room when I was 17 was right before me. When I literally cried out for in my room on Jackson Ave my first 3 months here was completely. I could talk to God! I could hear His voice. And the simple memory struck me, that I cried. I had begged to know Him like the others did. Beg to hear Him clearly and not be confusing Him with my own thoughts.
And I can. Because He always keeps His promises.
“I’m gonna boast in my weakness, cause in those things I’ll be made strong”
Worth all this…
You know when you are a little kid you dream big. You think that you can do and be whatever you want and that is what people around us tell us when we are young. But Then we grow up, and realize that life isn’t always like that. There is pain in our world, there is darkness and grief. But sometimes even as we grow up, we don’t let go of some of those dreams that we had as young children. It could be the dream to sing, or fight crime. The wonderful dream to go to a special college, or make our mark on history. Or even the extraordinary dream to fall in love. In the past eight months, I have learned so much about love. I learned that it isn’t the fairy tale we dream it will be. It hurts more then anything in the world. It will break you down and make you so vulnerable. It shows the flaws that you would rather keep inside. Love bares all your secrets in time. It opens your heart to believing, hoping, and maybe for the first time since you were little, it makes you dream again. Being in a relationship is a hard thing to do. You have to work at it. You can’t set it aside when you get upset or annoyed. I have learned so much more about God’s nature and His heart by being with Caleb. I have learned to forgive and to repent for wrong doing. I can’t remember the day it started, but I remember hearing Caleb say something and I would think, “Wow, God you do that to me even more.” I’m amazed that last year at this time, I was a scared 19-year-old leaving her hometown for the first time, to come to a state and school that she had never seen or heard of. It took a step of faith. Faith that I had honestly thought I didn’t have in me. But coming down to Kansas City, I learned that it was the Lord alone in me, that gave me that strength to leave it all behind. And the experiences and people that I met, I wouldn’t do anything differently. It all was worth it all. This week I marry my very best friend and I couldn’t be happier. I have heard from so many people that my life will change completely, and only now it it actually setting in that it will. I don’t know or understand the full extent, but I am ready to walk this road with my Caleb. Believe that dreams come true. You just may get what you are wishing for.
Believe that dreams come true everyday….Because they do
Salad with Lauren Anderson. #soyummy # heathlygoodness (Taken with Instagram)
Camp fire with my guy. It’s a good night out here under the stars (Taken with Instagram)
Is this lady scared o the prayer room germs? As a former anti-germ girl I can spot one when i see one #wow (Taken with Instagram)
One of my most favorite places in KC. So many memories. #oldhobbies #goodtimes (Taken with Instagram)
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Sitting in church with my guy! I kinda love holding his hand (Taken with instagram)